


I don't deserve you (I never did)

by tormented_heathens



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: (if you squint), Bucky Barnes Has Panic Attacks, Light Angst, M/M, Neither of the soldiers are happy, Not A Fix-It, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Self-Hatred, Short One Shot, Stucky - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-12
Updated: 2019-08-12
Packaged: 2020-08-20 03:16:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20220904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tormented_heathens/pseuds/tormented_heathens
Summary: Bucky is suffering. He never wanted to lose Steve, but yet he did.Steve is suffering, too.(Mild TW for Panic attacks, self-deprecation and general angst.)





	I don't deserve you (I never did)

Bucky knew he shouldn’t have expected Steve to stay. Steve wouldn’t scare him like that, wouldn’t make him think he’d be alone and then say it’s a joke. Still, there was a small part in Bucky’s mind that had hoped Steve would’ve laughed at Bucky for thinking he was serious. He truly had hoped that the other wouldn’t leave him alone. Reality is often disappointing. 

Of course Steve wouldn’t have stayed. On Bucky’s best days, he told himself that Steve deserved something better than the future. On Bucky’s worst days, he had to calm himself down from panic attacks, trying to convince himself that he was worth it. His best friend - Bucky scoffs at the idea now, how could he ever have thought Steve liked him? - couldn’t have lied to him for all of these years. They’d known each other for over 80 years, and damn, he knew Steve had been more aware of said 80 years than he had, but still; were all of those years for nothing?

Sam had tried to console him, once. It had helped for a few minutes, but then Sam got called in for a mission, and the others had called him Cap. Bucky kept his composure for long enough to wish Sam luck on his mission, but when he was alone, he broke down again. It just wasn’t fair - it wasn’t fair to Steve, because he had always been Captain America, but it wasn’t fair to Sam either, because Steve had passed down the mantle to him. To him, not Bucky, because Bucky was too damn unstable to even go outside alone, let alone be America’s golden boy, be its poster child. Steve leaving hadn’t helped that cause at all.

All in all, life wasn’t fair. It had never been, Bucky could tell you that, but even after all he went through, nothing hurt as much as losing Steve. He hadn’t been able to tell how he felt about Steve all those years ago in the 40’s, and he sure as hell didn’t know now. All he was- all he ever could be was this empty shell of a man, only ever being held together by the glue that was Steve’s friendship. Now, he didn’t even have that. He was a broken mess.

On the other side of… well, time, to be honest, Steve was struggling too. He hadn’t wanted to hurt Bucky, but he couldn’t stand to be in the future either. He’d lost too many people in too short of a time - Tony, Natasha, even the deaths that had happened 5 years ago still haunted him. It wasn’t even his timeline anymore, and this timeline would never see those events, but it hurt him so deeply. He couldn’t tell you how many times he had woken up screaming, or sobbing so loudly he woke Peggy up. The woman he thought he loved was always prepared to comfort him, but he knew she would never understand. How could she? 

So, Steve continued surviving for a few months. He’d even gotten adjusted to the lack of technology, and he could smile at Peggy without having to fake it. Not that his fake smiles were her fault, of course - he just couldn’t help but see everyone he lost in her. He’d never noticed it before, but Tony’s personality resembled Peggy’s so much, and wow, Natasha and Peggy were both so competent; Steve wished he could be half as competent as they were. Or had been. Steve wasn’t sure anymore.

Steve wasn’t really sure of anything anymore. 

The keyword, however, was ‘survive’. Steve survived, but he never truly lived again. He still stayed up all night, terrified of going to sleep, because he knew he’d see their faces again. The face that hurt him most was Bucky’s. His pal, his buddy, his Bucky. Always his, and never another’s. Was he ever Bucky’s? 

He never wanted to hurt Bucky, but he had to. He’d just hurt him over and over again. He always had. Steven Grant Rogers was a menace to his peers, he was sure of it. Why would he have lost Bucky so many times if he wasn’t? He obviously didn’t deserve the brunet. He never had.

And so, Bucky and Steve both kept going on, never really wanting to, yet always having to. Bucky found comfort in the new Avengers, all of them finding support in each other. Loss was a hard thing to deal with, and Bucky wasn’t quite sure if he’d ever get over losing Steve, but he wouldn’t let the others get consumed by the same grief he was stuck in.  
Steve found comfort in his work, only ever leaving his office to eat dinner with Peggy. She understood him; she didn’t know exactly what had happened, but she knew that the Steve that came out of the ice wasn’t the same Steve that she had once known. Margaret Carter wasn’t stupid, after all.


End file.
